


a bitter truth

by random_chick



Series: what small measure [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-27
Updated: 2013-08-27
Packaged: 2017-12-24 19:31:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/943799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/random_chick/pseuds/random_chick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki's memories were taken from him and he was banished to Midgard, where he works in a coffee shop. He strikes up a relationship with a human woman, July Harrison. When he regains his memories and July finds out the truth of the matter, will she still stand by him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

July Harrison had spent the better part of six years working in the Coffee Shop That Shall Not Be Named, as she generally referred to it. She was damn good at what she did, which was why they’d given her the new guy to train. She hadn’t been terribly amused by it, but New Guy -- actual name Loki Lawson -- had proven to be a quick study and hadn’t needed a whole lot of supervision. And now, six months after his arrival, July was proud to call Loki her friend.

Well, actually she still called him New Guy, but that? Was mostly just to get on his nerves. She couldn’t help it; she liked the fire in his eyes when she did it. It was the same fire he had in his eyes when someone disrespected a co-worker he liked. And it was the same fire he had in his eyes when disrespecting a co-worker he didn’t like. Not that he liked many of his co-workers, but still.

He was a study in contradictions, however. As surprisingly spirited as he could be on occasion, he was also prone to fits of melancholy and contemplation. She did what she could for him at those times, but she never knew entirely how to handle it. Depression she could handle -- she’d dated a guy with depression once, she’d learned a good bit on the subject from him -- but whatever was wrong with Loki seemed to go beyond that. She was no therapist, though, and wouldn’t presume to tell him something was wrong.

Mostly because the one time someone had dared to bring up the subject, with a less than tactful “Who pissed in your Cheerios this morning, Lawson?”, she’d seen a look in Loki’s eyes that said he was imagining ripping them apart. She didn’t want that quiet internal fury given vocalization and externalization, especially not towards her.

He wasn’t someone she wanted to anger, and she had a feeling nobody else should, either.

 

It was five in the morning, an unholy time of day to be up, but July had drawn the short straw on the schedule and was opening the shop that day. Fortunately, Loki was scheduled with her. Good company and a pretty face, two of July’s favorite things.

“You look exhausted,” July observed, leaning against the counter and taking a second to relax. “Bad night?”

“Something like that,” Loki said. “Hardly slept and when I did, I had bad dreams.”

“Nightmares?” She knew he was prone to them.

“No,” he said with a quick shake of his head as he multi-tasked behind the counter. “Just... bad dreams.”

July knew there was a difference, especially when it came to Loki’s dreams. She’d seen him after a nightmare and he looked worse than he did now. Which, given that he looked pale and drawn, was really saying something.

“Want to talk?” she offered casually, pushing back from the counter as a customer came in.

“Not particularly,” Loki said, moving to stand behind the register. To the customer, he said, “Morning, what can I get for you?”

The redhead hesitated for a moment. “Large hazelnut macchiatto.”

July moved to start the order; Loki smiled at the woman. “Can I get you anything else?”

“That’s it,” the redhead replied, returning the smile, albeit a bit forced, as she dug her wallet out of her jeans pocket.

“You look tense, Nat,” July called over. “Should I be making this decaf or what?”

Nat laughed. “No, it’s alright, really. Work’s just driving me crazy.”

“One of those days, huh?” Loki asked idly as he took Nat’s cash and gave her her change.

“Something like that.”

July didn’t miss the way Nat was fairly friendly to her but cool and cold towards Loki. There had to be something behind it, but damned if she knew what. She was going to find out, though. Somehow. She just had to do it without prying.

But not just then. Just then, all she was going to do was finish Nat’s drink and pass it over, which she did with a cheery smile. “Enjoy,” she said as she handed the woman her drink.

Nat gave a nod, stuffed a bill in the tip box, and sipped at her drink as she left.

Loki turned to July, noticing the expression on her face. “What’s wrong?” he asked, cocking his head.

“Just thinking about something,” she replied.

“Care to share?”

“Not particularly.” July flashed Loki a grin. “I’m just mulling something over. It’s probably nothing.”

“Tell me,” Loki said, moving closer to July.

“It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with.”

“I think,” he said, his voice low and dark, “that if my closest friend has something that is bothering her, I should know about it.”

July hesitated. “Nat doesn’t seem to like you,” she finally said, all too aware of how close Loki was standing to her. Another step and he’d have her pinned against the counter.

A part of her mind whispered that she really wouldn’t mind that; she flushed slightly and prayed he wouldn’t notice.

Of course Loki noticed. And of course he did something about it. He took a half step closer, pinning July gently against the counter and bringing one hand up to trace a finger along her face.

“I don’t much care if people like me,” he murmured, his voice surprisingly husky now. “I’ve never needed friends.”

“Then what am I?” July was proud of the way her voice didn’t shake a bit.

“My equal.”

July shivered at that.

Loki tipped July’s chin up and ducked his head; he was about to brush his lips against hers when he heard the door open. He pulled back smoothly, moving to the register and standing there as though he hadn’t been about to kiss his colleague just a few seconds earlier.

July let out a quiet, frustrated growl. Loki was ordinarily fairly calm and reserved -- despite the mischevious streak that he tended to have -- that she doubted a moment like that would happen again anytime soon.

Pity, really. She wouldn’t have minded finding out just how well he kissed.

And neither of them noticed Natasha looking in through the window critically.

 

Natasha had been frequenting the coffee shop for the past six months, but only when Loki was working. The others came through the shop, of course -- none of them trusted this godforsaken punishment of Odin’s, not even Thor. They would keep their own surveillance, their own watch.

Especially since Loki seemed to be settling into life as a human so damnably well. For reasons that Natasha couldn’t quite explain, that fact grated on her nerves.

As did Loki’s co-worker, the blonde who watched his every move. Oh, she was subtle about it, Natasha had to give her that. Just about anyone else wouldn’t even have noticed the way July’s eyes followed Loki as he worked.

That could be dangerous, in fact _would_ be dangerous, if Loki were to ever regain his memories. And hell, she and the others weren’t even entirely convinced Loki had truly been entirely stripped of his memories. Oh, they knew what Odin had done, yes, but they were to varying degrees suspicious of how permanent a thing it would be. If Loki were to remember who he was, that would be bad. Well, beyond bad, really.

If he were to have a human under his sway, that would possibly be even worse. A human, one who would likely do anything for him... it was no wonder Loki had befriended July in his six months there.

Natasha couldn’t help her coldness towards Loki, who she had to admit showed no signs of knowing who she was, who any of them were. It wasn’t even that she particularly liked or disliked him at the moment. It was more that she didn’t _trust_ him, never had and never would. Even as essentially human -- which was precisely what he was, in a way, without access to his memories or his magic -- Loki could still prove to be a trickster. And if he was, it was only a matter of time until he did something.

So either way, they were potentially screwed in all sorts of manners that couldn’t be planned for -- and Natasha _hated_ being unable to plan for something. She hadn’t become a damn good assassin by not planning the ever-loving hell out of each and every tiny little detail.

Sighing, she took a sip of the drink she hadn’t even particularly wanted to order. But taking that sip gave her mind a few extra seconds to process, and she came to the conclusion that as much as she disliked it, she couldn’t see a way to keep Loki and July apart. Not a way that wouldn’t end in Loki’s fighting like hell to get back to July’s side.

Because as much as she hated to admit that she could see an interest in July’s eyes, what Natasha hated even more was the fact that she could see the interest returned in Loki’s eyes. And perhaps _that_ was what had been bothering her the most. That and the fact that she’d seen them as she looked in through the window after she’d left (something had told her to not leave just yet), July pinned up against the counter and Loki disturbingly ready to make some sort of a move on the woman he worked with.

Loki on a power trip had been bad enough; Loki in love could potentially be even worse.

 

Half an hour later, Natasha was working on her report of the situation. It was a short report, as they often were, but packed full of the details she’d seen. Four paragraphs, tops, but that was all she needed. It was actually _more_ than she needed to explain what amounted to “Loki’s still an amnesiac, he’s in love, and that’s not a good thing”, but she was damn well going to sum up everything she’d seen and let the higher ups draw their conclusions from that.

She’d taken over an office, as she usually did, and was working intently when there was a light rap on the doorframe. Natasha glanced up, gave a faint nod, and turned her attention back to her work.

Clint was used to Natasha’s personality quirks, so he didn’t take it personally. He did, however, have a certain curiosity as to what exactly she was working on. He moved closer, perched on the edge of the desk, and tilted his head to look at the computer.

“Another Loki report, huh?”

“Was my turn to stalk the coffee shop for a while,” Natasha replied with a sigh. “Why do I always see the not so good stuff, Clint? I mean, I’m the one who saw him lose his temper quite spectacularly a couple months back, and now I’m the one who sees him nearly making out with a coworker.”

Clint stifled a groan. “Oh, that’s just wonderful. But still, maybe it means nothing.”

“This is Loki, though,” Natasha pointed out. “Nothing _ever_ means just nothing with him.”

He had to admit that his partner and friend was right. He couldn’t be blamed for hoping for the best, though, even if it hadn’t been a terribly serious hope. He was too used to Loki meaning the worst in a situation, after what he’d gone through with the man.

“We’ll see what we see in a few days,” Clint said. “I’ll be swinging through the next few days, after all.” He and Natasha alternated so as not to raise suspicion. Between the two of them and the others -- when they were in town, of course -- they had surveillance well and truly covered.

“Hopefully we see nothing,” Natasha said. She knew hope was futile in this instance, but even her rather large cynical side wanted to be wrong for once, wanted to be hopeful. It happened sometimes, and hope always betrayed her. That wasn’t going to stop her, but it was going to make her smart about this.

“Hopefully,” Clint echoed. “So, want to fill me in on what you saw there?” He could read the report, yes, but he wanted to hear it from her own mouth instead.

“Well…” Natasha paused a moment to pull her thoughts together again. “Here goes.”

Clint just nodded.

“As you know, it was my turn to swing by the coffee shop,” Natasha began. “As I approached, I saw Loki talking to her, and it seemed a pretty important conversation, from what I saw. And then when I left, I glanced back in through the window and I saw Loki pinning his co-worker up against the counter -- and it was hardly a violent sort of pinning.”

It took Clint a split second to put one that together -- and then he wished he hadn’t. “So, what, he’s got an interest in her? And which her? I’m assuming the spitfire one. What’s her name? Some month or other, I know.”

“July,” Natasha said. “And yes. Which… isn’t a good thing, Clint. Isn’t a good thing whatsoever.”

“No, it’s not,” Clint agreed. “Because if Loki has a girlfriend -- however loosely you want to use the term -- then if he gets any of his memories back… he could be even more dangerous. Because we have no idea what he’d be like in a relationship someone, to what ends he’d go to protect them, to what ends he’d use them.”

“All we can hope at this point is that it’s less serious than I’m fearing it is,” Natasha said with a heavy sigh. “But somehow, I doubt it’s not.”

And if Natasha’s suspicions were correct -- as they so often were -- then the world might be well and truly screwed.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a long damn day and July was only too happy to see it over. And so, she had a feeling, was Loki. The day had started out well enough -- if you considered a pre-empted makeout session with your favorite coworker as starting out well enough -- but as the day had passed, Loki had gotten steadily and steadily more moody.

This wasn't an out of the ordinary thing; in fact, it happened so often that it was one of the reasons people didn't always like working with the man. Personally, July would almost rather deal with moody and depressed Loki than moody and temperamental Loki. When his temper was raging, there was little anyone could do to soothe it.

Not that July knew how to soothe his moods when he was on the depressive swing of things, but she felt it oddly easier to cope. Because when he was on that downswing, at least he talked to her. When he was raging and ranting and raving, nobody could get him to talk about it. Hell, nobody could get him to _shut up_ long enough to talk about it.

Of course, when he was on the downswing and talked to her, July's heart broke for him. Because Loki had some incredible issues that she hated seeing him have to deal with alone -- and he _did_ mostly have to deal with it alone, because the only time he ever talked was on an emotional downswing, when he was at his most vulnerable. July both loved that and hated it, because she wanted him to be able to talk to her no matter what. He could trust her, and they both knew it, but it was apparently hard for him to open up when angry.

So he opened up when hurt and scared and also angry. Whatever made it easier for that, she wasn't going to argue with it. Probably wasn’t terribly responsible of her, but oh well.

The day had been nice enough that she hadn't needed a jacket, which meant that all July had to do to consider herself done with work was clock out and take off the damn apron -- which she did quite gratefully. It was only two in the afternoon, true, but she felt as though it were much later. Dealing with Loki and his moods could do that to a person.

Shaking her head to chase off her thoughts, July draped the apron over her arm. "You working tomorrow?" she asked Loki as they headed for the front door.

"Yeah, in the afternoon," he replied.

"I'm closing," July said. "So I'll run into you before my shift, most likely. Unless I'm running late and just kind of sprint in without actually realizing who's around me."

Loki chuckled. "You're funny when you do that," he said, lips curving up into a slight smile.

"Glad I can provide amusement," July said archly, though she wasn't really mad at him. It was just fun teasing him.

"As well you should be."

"Not here for your amusement, though."

"Jules, _everyone_ is here for my amusement." With those words and a laugh, Loki was off down the sidewalk in the direction of his apartment.

July pinched the bridge of her nose. And there he went on one of the manic upswings. It was enough to drive a woman crazy, she swore.

 

July got home only to find someone already sitting in her living room -- her brother, who always had had the annoying tendency of just letting himself in whenever he damn well pleased.

“You know, one of these days you’re going to do this and I’m going to be screwing someone in the living room,” she said, dropping her keys on the table by the door.

“Just so long as it’s not that creepy long-haired guy you work with,” her brother replied. “Because there’s no way I could ever recover from _that_ trauma, thank you.”

“What do you have against Loki?”July asked. “He’s really not a bad guy, Miles.”

Miles Jessen gave his half-sister a Look. “Are you serious? He’s damn near stalking you, for one thing.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” July asked, looking distinctly confused.

“He’s watching you every time I come in, for one thing,” Miles said. “For another, I don’t like that he knows where you live.”

“So he walks me home sometimes,” July said, shrugging as she kicked off her shoes before flopping down on the couch. “So what?”

“I’ve seen him outside your building sometimes when I come by,” Miles said. “More worrying, though, is the fact that I’ve seen him in the _hallway_. Just standing outside your door looking all shifty.”

July frowned at that. “That’s... he’s never mentioned anything about that,” she said, now an entirely different sort of confused.

“Like I said.” Miles reached over to ruffle his sister’s short hair. “He’s a stalker.”

“He’s not a stalker,” July said, swatting Miles’s hand away. “He’s just socially awkward.”

“That’s putting it mildly,” Miles said with a snort. “He wants something, Jules. I don’t know what it is, but he wants something and I don’t like it.”

“You’re a paranoid bastard,” July said. “You’ve expected the worst of everybody ever since we were little.” Not that she remembered him when he was a kid, really, given the whole ten year age gap between them, but she wasn’t going to let that keep her from trying to make her point.

He just looked at her. “And you haven’t?” he countered. “You’re just as suspicious and distrustful of people as I am.”

“Hey, I’m the one who’s had more reason,” she said. “You’ve had the charmed life.”

“How has my life been charmed?” Miles asked, arching an eyebrow. “My mother died when I was six.”

“Yes, but that’s the _only_ real trauma in your life,” July pointed out. “Everything else has gone absolutely fucking swimmingly for you.”

“As it has for you,” Miles said. “You’ve been treated amazingly well by life, all in all, so stop acting like you haven’t.”

“Alright, true, life hasn’t been _so_ bad,” July countered. “But you’re the one with the actual career, I’m the one working at a goddamn coffee shop. I’m almost thirty and I’ll have been there six years _on_ my damn birthday. Can it get much more pathetic than that?”

“Hey, at least you have a job and health insurance,” he pointed out. “In this day and age, that’s actually a really good thing, you know.”

July threw her hands up in exasperation. “Do you have _any_ idea how annoying it is to hear that?” she snapped. “Like if I don’t just stay quiet about things, I’m a bad person. I’m not allowed to bitch and moan and complain about my life?”

“That’s not what I said at all,” Miles said archly. “What I’m saying is that as shitty as your job is to you -- and admittedly, it doesn’t seem a terribly enjoyable one to me -- you still have it. It _could_ be worse.”

July jumped up from the couch and whirled on her brother, in his usual chair over by the window. “I do not need to be reminded that my life could be worse,” she said. “What I _need_ is someone who will let me bitch and moan without subtly digging at me and reminding me that I have a shitty life and a shitty job and that he’s oh so much fucking better than me.” She shoved her feet angrily into her shoes. “What I _need_ is someone who’ll enjoy me for who I am.”

July spun towards the door and moved towards it, grabbing her keys from the table. “Lock up when you leave.” She didn’t particularly want to leave her brother in her place, but she wanted the hell out of there more than she wanted _him_ the hell out of there at that point.


	3. Chapter 3

Loki lay sprawled on his couch, book in hand. He wasn’t making overmuch progress on it, rereading the same page half a dozen times or more before processing it enough to move on. Logically he knew that it meant he should just move on and do something different, but he was a stubborn bastard much of the time. He wanted to be reading, so he was damn well going to make it happen.

Except for that whole part where his thoughts kept wandering. Never to the same thing twice -- July, his nightmares, the way things didn’t add up in his life -- but always wandering nonetheless. Kind of made it hard to focus on any one thing in particular, and so he was having no luck at all.

A knock on the door caught his attention. Who could it be? He didn’t have any friends, save July, and why would she be there? She came by before work so they could walk in together on occasion, but that was it. Frowning thoughtfully, he dropped his book to the coffee table and made his way over to the door.

A glance through the peephole told him that it was July, anyway. His frown gone worried now, he answered the door.

“July? Is something wrong?” He stepped back to let her in.

“My brother and I got into it a little,” she said with a sigh. “I walked out. Never mind that it was my own damn apartment, I wanted to get the hell away from him before I did something incredibly stupid like slap him into the next century.”

Loki’s eyes narrowed. He’d never liked July’s brother and never would. But all he said was, “What did you two get into it about?”

“A couple things, honestly,” July said, glancing around the apartment curiously. For all their being friends and for all her knowing where he lived, she’d rarely been by and this was the first time she’d actually been inside for longer than a moment or two while waiting for him to grab his jacket before work. It was the first chance she’d had to really see things.

“Want to tell me what they were?” he asked, shutting the door behind him.

“Not really, but...” July sighed. “I could do with a friend right now, I think.”

“Well, you’re in luck.” Loki held his arms out to her. “That’s what I’m for.”

She moved into his arms, wrapping her arms around his waist and settling against him neatly.

“We got into it over his tendency to hear me bitching about my job and take the opportunity to remind me that at least I have a job and benefits.” July shuddered. “Which of course made me feel like my feelings and my opinions don’t matter.”

“They do,” Loki assured her, pressing an absent-minded kiss to the top of her head. “Of course they do.”

“And I know that,” July said. “It’s just Miles’s way. He tries to fix things in the only way he knows how and it’s hardly helpful at all.”

“It’s how brothers are, I suppose,” he replied. “I wouldn’t know, myself.”

“But the one that really bothered me was the part where he accused you of essentially stalking me,” she said.

Loki stiffened. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah. Mentioned how you’re always watching me every time he comes in. Mentioned how he doesn’t like that you know where I live. Said something about how he’s seen you outside the building. How he’s seen you in the hall outside my door.”

“He has?” Loki didn’t like that, didn’t like how it made him look: desperate, needy, maybe even a little bit crazy. Or maybe he was projecting there; he didn’t know. All he knew was that this could potentially be a problem.

“He has,” she confirmed.

“I... I’m sorry,” he began. “For... well, not for being interested in you, but perhaps for some of the way I’ve acted about it. I watch you because I don’t know how to actually tell you that I’m interested. I stand outside your apartment building and the apartment itself because I try to tell you and I lose my courage. And I don’t _like_ that I lose my courage around you. I don’t _like_ that you can reduce me to a mass of insecurity and nerves that has absolutely nothing to do with the insecurity and nerves I have the rest of the time.”

And July, in that special little way she had, cut right to the most important part of what Loki had just said. “You’re interested in me?” She lifted her head and looked at him.

Loki nodded slowly.

She broke into a slow smile. “Good.”

“Good?” Now he just looked confused.

“Because I’m interested in you, too. I just haven’t said anything because I didn’t think you felt the same, so I wasn’t going to be completely lame and make things awkward.” She’d experienced way too much of that in high school, between her sorry excuse for a love life and the love lives of her friends. She wasn’t going to go through that again.

Loki brought a hand up to lightly run over July’s hair. “I doubt you could ever make things awkward between us,” he said gently.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said, laughing. “I can do a pretty good job of that sometimes. Especially with my brother today -- I doubt things are going to be anything other than strained for a while.”

“Your brother can go to hell for all I care,” Loki said with an uncaring shrug. “He’s not part of this equation.”

“And what _is_ this equation?” July’s voice was small, quiet, not afraid but not quite sure of anything at that second.

“You, me, and whatever it is we add up to.” Loki trailed his fingers along July’s cheek and then down her neck, along her throat.

“We add up to something?” There was an almost nervous note in July’s voice, and that strangely excited her. She rather liked this side of Loki -- cool, calm, predatory, yet with a heat just under the surface.

“Oh yes,” he said, his hand stilling on July’s throat and his fingers curling slightly. It would be so easy, oh so easy for him to choke her -- though he never would, not when she showed him this much trust. He gave her a slow, dark smile as he let his hand move on. He thought he detected a disappointed whimper, something that made him chuckle softly. His hand drifted to the hem of her shirt, tugging it up impatiently.

And that was when all slowness, all tenderness stopped.

They exploded in a flurry of activity -- someone’s shirt across the room, her hand fumbling with his jeans -- and they were naked in a matter of moments. Loki shoved July up against the wall, lifting her up slightly as he pinned her.

July was too caught up in a daze to protest -- not that she _would_ have, honestly, she was far too interested in seeing what Loki would do next.

And what he would do next was drive himself into her, burying himself in her with one sharp thrust. She let out a keening moan, any discomfort quickly driven away by the way he felt inside her and the relentless pace he was picking up. She wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, pulling him as close as she could manage.

Loki dropped his head to the crook of July’s neck as he moved against her, his teeth grazing her skin before sinking in slightly. Not hard enough to break the skin, but hard enough to leave a distinct mark. And that was what he wanted, her to be marked. He wanted people to look at her and know what had happened. Wanted to know, even if nobody else did, that she was _his_.

She clung to him, tangling the fingers of one hand in his long dark hair. She shivered against him as he thrust into her relentlessly. Something was driving him now, she was sure of it, and she found that she didn’t give a fuck about it at the moment. She would care later, in the moments after they were done. But right now all that mattered was the way he was not quite slamming her against the wall with each delicious thrust.

There was going to be pain later, Loki had no doubt of that. With the way he was going at her, how could there not be? But she was enjoying it, was actually _begging_ him for it, judging by those gasps and whimpers and the delightfully filthy words she was whispering in his ear. So he wouldn’t let his worries or concerns bother him -- not that he could articulate what those worries or concerns were at the moment.

This was so thoroughly unlike what July had considered sex with Loki might be like. And she wasn’t at all ashamed to admit that oh yes, she’d thought about it. She’d thought about it rather a lot. And she’d always suspected he’d be a little awkward, a little hesitant, a little slow to warm up to things. She’d never once imagined that he’d so eagerly go at her with enough force to blow her poor little mind.

Some distant part of his mind, a very distant part, was telling Loki that he might want to be a bit more considerate. He ignored that part, though, in favor of picking up the pace. The sounds July was making were far preferable to considering how it was likely hurting her. Though she didn’t seem to have a problem with it, so hey.

July, for her part, was more than happy to come completely unglued under Loki’s apparently expert touch. And come unglued she did, coming with a loud cry and a sharp pull on Loki’s hair.

That sharp pull was the impetus Loki needed to let go and tumble over the edge, shuddering against July and biting at her neck as he came.

July said nothing -- what _could_ she say? -- and instead clung to Loki, her fingers still tangled in his hair. After a moment, she let go of his hair and flexed her fingers; they’d been clenched tight, tighter than she’d realized.

“Whoa,” Loki managed breathlessly.

“I agree,” July said, laughing softly, an almost giddy tone in her voice. “I very much agree.”

“I should put you down,” he said.

“If you do, I might not be able to stand,” July warned, only half joking. Her legs felt a good bit like rubber at the moment.

“In that case…” Loki ducked his head and kissed her playfully on the lips. “I’m quite content to keep you here like this until you think you can walk. Because once you can…”

“Yes?” For a second, July was afraid Loki was going to tell her to leave -- even though she knew that was ridiculous, that even if he did want her to leave after this he wasn’t going to be a jerk about it. He was too good-hearted for that.

The expression on Loki’s face turned dark and smoldering.

“Oh.” July swallowed. “Sounds like a plan to me.” Because more enthusiastic sex with Loki? She’d be stupid to say no to that.

“Only one thing, though,” Loki said.

“What’s that?”

“I highly recommend the bedroom this time,” he said, chuckling softly. “It’s much more comfortable.”

July couldn’t help but laugh at that. “I’m inclined to agree with you,” she said. “Bedrooms generally are.”

This was nice, she decided. Relaxed. Kept her floating on that post-sex high that she knew she’d come down from eventually.

“Eventually” being the key word, if the expression on Loki’s face were any indication.

She was pretty sure she was okay with that.

 

They lay curled up together in the aftermath of their lovemaking. And ‘aftermath’ was an appropriate description, July felt, wincing slightly as she shifted against him. Loki had certainly left what would turn into bruises by morning. Not that she minded, but ow nonetheless.

“Talk to me,” she murmured. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“The nightmares,” Loki said after a few moments of trying to decide whether he should answer her truthfully or not. “They’re back.” Not that they’d ever truly left.

“Tell me about them,” she said, lifting a hand to stroke his face gently. “Maybe it’ll help.”

Loki sighed heavily. “It’s the same, always the same -- well, the same as one of them,” he said. “I’m hanging from a... I guess you’d call it a bridge or something, though it doesn’t look like any bridge I’ve ever seen. A man is trying to keep me from falling. I say something to him, I don’t remember what, and then I let go and fall. I fall into nothingness.”

July let her hand still against Loki’s face. “Listen to me,” she said gently. “Your nightmares are trying to tell you something, I’m sure of it. I just don’t know what. But we can figure it out together, you and I.”

“You’re so good to me,” Loki murmured, turning his head slightly and kissing her fingers. “My nightmares and my temper would have scared away most women by now.”

“I’m not most women,” July said pertly.

“No, you’re not,” Loki agreed. “And I adore you for it.” He more than adored her, honestly; he thought he might love her, but he was wary of saying those words. Those few simple words were a big commitment. It wasn’t that he didn’t think July deserved them, it was that he worried she didn’t deserve _him_. After all, he knew he was difficult to deal with at the best of times.

“I adore you, too.” July said, giving him an affectionate, tender smile. “And how could I not? You’re pretty much everything I’ve ever looked for.” Her expression turned slightly awkward and hesitant at that; not that she thought he’d reject her, but it took a lot for her to actually come out and admit it to him.

Loki stilled at that. He’d never had anybody say that to him before, had never _been_ that to anybody before. “Your feelings are a lot to live up to,” he said. “Not that I don’t want to try, don’t get me wrong. It’s just...” He smiled awkwardly. “Well, nobody’s ever said that to me before.”

“I’ll say it to you as often as you like,” July assured him. “I may be being overly sentimental, but when it comes to you, I find that I don’t care.”

Loki couldn’t help but smile at that. July made his life worth living, she really did. She was sarcastic and prickly but then, he could be that way sometimes, too. They just fit together that damn well.

He’d never imagined finding anybody that he could click with that well. He was grateful that he had, though. Especially someone like July, someone who both complemented him and contrasted with him. Not everybody was lucky enough to find someone that they fit with so well.

He wasn’t sure why he was so lucky, exactly, but he wasn’t going to argue with it. July was the one thing in his life that made sense. However she was in his life, whether as friend or as lover or as something else entirely, she would _always_ make his life make sense.

Feeling oddly soothed, Loki let his attentions wander; soon after that, he managed to drift off.

July, however, was awake for a few more minutes, just long enough to watch Loki sleeping for a while and decide that it was one of her favorite things to do. And judging by the way he’d stayed soundly asleep, he apparently didn’t mind it.

So she watched him until she too fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

July wasn't sure where she and Loki stood, exactly, but she found she didn't exactly care. It was a damn sight more than she'd had with anybody in the past few... years, actually. Jesus, that was depressing. And it was the reason why she’d stopped dwelling on her love life. Whatever happened would happen, and whatever wouldn’t happen wouldn’t happen. Why obsess?

She hummed cheerfully as she moved around the small kitchen of Loki's equally small apartment, wearing nothing more than her underwear and a shirt of Loki's that she'd pilfered from a drawer. He was still sound asleep, no wonder, so it was up to her to take care of dinner. And since she _could_ actually cook, to some vague degree, she wanted to do that rather than order takeout.

Apparently she could be frightfully domestic. Who knew?

Her phone buzzed again, jittering across the counter. She ignored it; it was probably just Miles anyway, and she was anything but in the mood to talk to him right then. They needed to have an actual, proper conversation about their issues, but at that particular moment was hardly the right time for it. If she tried talking to him now, she'd likely just end up informing him that she'd just spent a good portion of the afternoon having sex with Loki. All that would do was piss her brother off, which seemed rather counterproductive for a conversation engineered to patch things up.

It buzzed again and she sighed heavily, glancing over at it. A text this time, from her brother of course. Simply saying to call him.

“I think not,” July muttered under her breath. “For everyone's sake, I'm just gonna avoid talking to you entirely tonight, mister.”

Maybe she'd call him before work the next evening. Maybe. She had a feeling they both needed more than just over a day to cool off. Both the Harrison siblings were ridiculously temperamental, to the point where they were downright stubborn more often than not. And July knew, though she rarely liked to admit, that she could be rude and occasionally cruel. And she was entirely willing to cop to her bitchy streak. Only difference was, she _liked_ her bitchy streak. The rest of it, she didn't always like.

She wasn't a truly horrible human being, really she wasn't. She just... wasn't perfect, and she knew it.

The phone fell silent and July couldn't help but smile in relief at it. It was much more peaceful when Miles wasn't bothering her.

Especially since she was _trying_ to concentrate on cooking, something that was already difficult enough as it was given the way her mind kept wandering back to the events of the afternoon. She was under no delusions that the things she and Loki had admitted to each other automatically constituted a relationship, but she was hopeful that it might lean that way.

That was a conversation that the two of them needed to have, but it was also a conversation they could have some other time. Tonight was going to be a peaceful dinner and then July would get dressed and head home – because she had no delusions about being automatically entitled to stay the night. If Loki invited her to, of course, that would be a different thing entirely.

She moved somewhat gingerly, thanks to the rather rigorous way Loki had gone at her, but at the same time she was relatively bouncy as she moved. She couldn't help it, honestly. What had happened with Loki was something they'd both wanted for a while now, apparently, and she was just grateful that it had worked out as well as it had. Yeah, there were a couple conversations they needed to have, but that was a concern for another time. At the moment, all she was concerned with was the fact that things had gone well. It could have gone down entirely differently, and she was glad it hadn't. Especially since she had the feeling that no matter what, no matter how those necessary conversations turned out, she and Loki might be able to stay friends. She did like that idea. Mostly.

Only she didn't _want_ to be just friends with him. She wanted more than that and wasn't afraid to make that fact known. But again, not today. Not tonight. She could often be pushy, but she was determined that this wasn't going to be one of those times. She _was_ capable of rational, adult thoughts on matters. Sometimes. When the occasion really called for it.

A soft cough from behind her caught July's attention and she turned slightly, glancing over her shoulder. “Loki, hey,” she said with a gentle smile. “You don't need to be awake just yet. Dinner's not ready.”

“Had _another_ nightmare,” Loki said with a casual shrug he very much didn't feel. “Don't think I'm going to be sleeping any time in the next few hours, so I figured I might as well get up. Plus, hey, something smells good. Thought I’d come check it out.”

July frowned. “You need to do something about the nightmares, Loki,” she said softly. “They're coming more and more frequently now. And honestly, they're hurting you. They're hurting you a lot.”

“I'm fine,” Loki said stiffly. He wasn't pushing July away, not really, he just wasn't sure how to handle her concern at the moment. Before, he could've handled it. Now, after the things they'd said, he wasn't so sure. Things were different now, in ways he couldn't entirely explain. He hadn't been aware of them at first, but now he was, with an uncomfortable intensity.

“You're haunted,” July returned, turning her attention away from the food cooking and her body towards Loki. “There's this haunted look in your eyes that doesn't belong there, Loki.”

“How do you know it doesn't?” Loki asked. “Do you really know me so well as to claim that you know how I should and shouldn't look?”

July pulled her hand back, resisting the urge to slap him for that one. “No, but I _do_ know you so well as to know that the worse you look, the more often you're having a bad day,” she retorted. “It isn't always the nightmares, though sometimes. There's more to it, more you haven't told me.” She held up a hand. “And that's fine. We've only known each other six months; even for just a friendship, that's not very long and it doesn't mean you should tell me everything. But we're more than friends – and I'm not saying that because of the copious amounts of sex we spent the day having.”

Loki quirked a smile at that.

“I'm saying it because we understand each other,” July continued. “You get me in a way nobody else does, not even my brother, and I like to think I get you the same way in return.”

Loki nodded slightly. “I'd say so, I suppose.”

“So I think that gives me the right to say you have a problem,” she said. “It doesn't give me the right to insist you do something about it, but hey, y'know what? I'm insisting anyway.”

He laughed at that. “You're a funny one, Jules. You're pushy and abrasive and I like it.”

“Of course you do,” July said. “You're special that way.”

“I'm special in a whole lot of ways,” Loki retorted. “And you know it.”

She did, too.

 

There was a surprisingly little amount of conversation during dinner, but neither of them minded. It was actually silence of the companionable variety, not of the awkward kind. As long as it was companionable, the two of them were doing all right.

July moved to help with the dishes, because she figured that since it was his place, she should help, only to get swatted at and pushed gently back into her seat.

“Stay put,” Loki chided. “You don’t need to get up. Besides, you cooked. Least I can do is clean up.”

Reluctantly, July sat back. She watched Loki as he moved back and forth between the small living room and the small kitchen. She wasn’t at all sure why she enjoyed watching him as much as she did, but she wasn’t going to question it too deeply. All she knew was that he looked reasonably peaceful and content at the moment, and that was something she didn’t see on him nearly often enough. Of _course_ she was going to enjoy watching him. It made sense to her, anyway.

Besides, he was a pretty pretty man who moved entirely too gracefully for his own damn good. She couldn’t resist watching him, couldn’t resist it in the least. And she wasn’t even going to try.

He leaned against the doorframe between the kitchen and the living room, just watching July for a moment while her attention was elsewhere. It still amazed him that she was interested in him. She was beautiful and intelligent and fierce; he was less than a perfect catch, he knew. He had a temper and abandonment issues that he couldn’t quite explain, but July didn’t seem to care overmuch on either count. That was nice, Loki had decided. He had the feeling that he needed one person in his life who would expect nothing from him but what he could give. He wasn’t sure _why_ he had that feeling, but had it he did.

“Penny for your thoughts,” July said as she moved to the couch from the small dining area.

Loki realized he’d been staring. “It’s nothing,” he said with a shrug. “Just thinking about how lucky I am that I know you.”

July didn’t blush easily, but even that made her turn a faint shade of red. “Oh, really?”

“Yes, really,” Loki said, moving to sit next to her on the couch. “You’re an amazing person.”

“I try.” She shrugged. “But I’m just me. For good or bad, I’m just me and I’m not going to change for anybody.”

“Which is one of the things I like so much about you.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tugged her against him. “Because it’s not that you don’t care about other people’s opinions, it’s that you don’t let them rule your life.”

“Exactly,” she said with a nod as she happily snuggled against him. “Nobody understands that.” Not that she cared if they did, but that wasn’t the point. … not that she knew what the point was, she’d lost it somewhere along the way with the rest of her thoughts. Ah, well. She was happy, he was happy, that was all that mattered.

After a little while of just being curled against him and completely comfortable, July said, “I should probably head home. It’s getting late.”

“You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to.” There was hesitation in Loki’s voice, as though he were genuinely afraid she might not want to stay.

That hesitation alone would have helped July’s decision, were it not already made. “You sure?” She patted his leg affectionately, idly. “Really sure you don’t mind?” She let her hand rest against his thigh.

“Yeah,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I am.”

“Then I’ll stay.”

“Thank you,” Loki said with a surprisingly gentle smile. “And… I don’t expect anything to happen, either. I mean, if it does, that’s great. Obviously that’s great. We’ve proved that we’ve got an explosive chemistry together. But if it doesn’t happen tonight, and we’re just curled up together, then that’s alright, too.”

“Why are you so perfect?” July murmured softly.

“I’m not perfect,” Loki replied. “I’m just lucky.”

They both were.

 

They crawled into bed after dinner, and understandably so given what they’d been up to. July fell asleep almost instantly; Loki wasn’t quite so lucky. There was something lurking at the back of his mind, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It felt like he was on the verge of remembering something he’d forgotten, something important. Something that he _needed_ to remember.

But the more he thought about it, the more things felt like whatever he was trying to remember was slipping away faster than he could do anything about it. Frustrated, he tossed and turned for a while, rolling away from July at one point to stare at the wall.

He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, letting his mind drift to… well, right back to the feeling at the back of his mind, because there was apparently no way that he could think about anything else.

“Oh, this is ridiculous,” he muttered under his breath. “Stop thinking about it, Lawson. People always say that if you want to remember something you’ve forgotten, then you damn well stop thinking about it so much.” Easier said than done, but it was a valid point.

So in the name of forgetting about it for a little while, and because July was extremely easy on the eyes, Loki rolled over to look at her, careful not to move too much and wake her up. And as he watched her sleep, it struck him just how lucky he was. She was beautiful, yes, but that wasn’t the important thing. A nice thing, yes, but not at all important.

What _was_ important was the fact that they were together now. Or at least on the path towards it, Loki mentally amended. They were adults, fully capable of deciding they were in a relationship or deciding that they weren’t, however they chose. They didn’t need sophomoric attempts at labeling before they were ready. For him, for now, it was enough just to know that July adored him and that he meant a great deal to her.

Thinking about his relationship with July -- both romantically-speaking and otherwise -- brought a faint smile to Loki’s face; more importantly, it allowed him to unwind. To decompress. To stop thinking about everything else in the world. And, finally, to drift off into whatever sleep he could attain.

It wasn’t restful for long, though.

He was in a spacious, opulent room that was beyond anything he’d ever seen before. He turned in a slow circle, taking the environment in and coming to the conclusion that something was definitely wrong.

He also knew he was dreaming nearly instantly, but that didn’t change the fact that he was immediately confused. If anything, it accentuated the confusion. Why did it accentuate the confusion?

The simple fact that he wasn’t alone in the room, that’s why.

The room’s other occupant was a tall, slender man dressed in green and gold, with his hair slicked back and a hard expression on his face. A man who looked as though he had no time for anything beneath him or beyond his notice.

A man who looked exactly like him.

“I was wondering how long this would take,” the mirror image said with a lazy smirk. “I was wondering how long it would take for me to crawl out of the recesses of your addled mind and resurface.”

“Who _are_ you?” Loki asked, doing his best to look completely unimpressed and failing more than a little in the attempt.

“Oh, you’re so adorable when you’re in denial.” His double smirked again. “You know who I am. You’re afraid to put voice to it, but you know who I am.”

Loki studied the other man for a long moment. “You’re part of me,” he said after a long while to consider it. “I don’t know what part of me you are, and I don’t think I _want_ to know… but you’re part of me. Some nameless, mysterious, possibly terrifying part of me.”

“Close,” the other man said, stepping closer. “Close, but not quite. I’m not a part of you, I _am_ you.”

“Say what now?” Loki didn’t know what to make of that, didn’t know if he even believed it. Never mind that the other man was identical to him. That didn’t mean anything, did it? It was a dream. Dreams were always strange like that.

“I’m clearly the smarter one, too.” The other man shook his head in disappointment. “Honestly, keep up with me here. It’s not that difficult.”

Oh, joy. Apparently this part of him was a jackass. Somehow Loki wasn’t at all assured by that.

The mirror image began pacing as he spoke. “Haven’t you wondered what makes you do certain things? What makes you snap at some times and remain calm at others? What gives you those fits of melancholy? Oh, and let’s not forget that lovely little scene with the attractive July up against the wall.” He snorted. “Did you really think you did that all on your own? You don’t have the courage.”

Loki flushed slightly in remembrance of the way he’d gone at July so eagerly. Never mind that she’d more than enjoyed it, he still couldn’t actually believe he’d done it. It had felt amazing, too, to let go like that. To just give in to the darkness inside him for a little while.

That darkness worried him. He didn’t like what it said about him, about what he could do. He knew he wasn’t the easiest of people to put up with. But that kind of darkness meant something else entirely. Meant something dangerous, he knew, and something he didn’t at all want to acknowledge.

His mirror image smiled, a taunting smile that had nothing to do with mirth and everything to do with pushing buttons. “You’re worried now, aren’t you?” It wasn’t really a question. “Worried about what you did to her, about what caused it. About the fact that you _liked_ it, liked giving in and hurting her just that little bit.”

Loki shouldn’t have been surprised that his double followed the same train of thought as he had, but he was. “She didn’t deserve that,” he said. “Didn’t deserve to be treated like that, didn’t deserve to be used for my own pleasures.”

“She certainly enjoyed it,” came the response.

Loki didn’t like the idea that this darker image of himself knew what had transpired. As sudden and aggressive as it had been, it was between July and himself. It was private, damn it.

“Stay away from her,” he said sharply. “Don’t come out again. You’ll just ruin everything.”

His double snorted. “You need me,” he said. “You need the aggression, the assertiveness. Because without me, you’re nothing. Just a false concept created by our false father.”

Loki frowned, trying and failing to hide the confusion he felt. “What are you saying?”

“Put it together,” the double said. “You’re smart, even if you aren’t real. Stop and _think_ about it, really _think_ about it.”

“Why should I think about what I’m sure is nothing more than a mouthful of lies?” Loki replied. “You’re the one who isn’t real. You’re just a dream, a figment of my imagination playing on my fears and insecurities. Well, I’m not going to let you any longer.”

“What are you going to do, wake up on your own?” The double rolled his eyes. “Oh, that’s cute. Really, it’s kind of adorable that you think you could even manage that when I’m the one in control.”

“It’s my mind we’re in,” Loki said. “I’m the one in control.”

“Then why aren’t you awake?”

Loki froze, realizing with a rising sense of fear that his double was right.

“You’re stuck here with me,” the double said, moving slowly towards Loki. “You have no choice but to listen to what I have to say. Like it or not, you’re going to listen -- because I’m not done with you yet.”

Loki realized his back was up against a wall, both figuratively and literally. “What are you going to do?”

The double smirked. “I’m going to tell you a few things about your life, things that you don’t remember but should. And maybe you’ll remember them when you wake up. Or maybe you won’t -- my magic isn’t that strong under these circumstances. And you haven’t remembered them yet, despite all my attempts to get you to.” He shrugged. “But one of these times, you’ll remember. And when you do, I’ll be free.”

He stopped in front of Loki. “You’re nothing, my friend, and I mean that in the most literal sense of it. You don’t truly exist. I was suppressed, driven down deep inside your mind, only to come out in the most vague of ways at the most random of times. And I’m tired of it, frankly, tired of being less than who I am.”

Loki didn’t like this other him at all. And yet… he saw how they made sense together, how they could be two halves of the same whole. He didn’t want to believe it, didn’t know if he _should_ believe it. Because honestly, it was absolutely insane. How could he be anything other than real? He had a life, he had a job, he had friends… he didn’t have a family, but that was because he’d lost them long ago. It’d been just him for as long as he could remember.

The double grinned at him. “You’re considering it, aren’t you?” he asked. “You’re starting to put it together, starting to see how the numbers of your life don’t truly add up. Starting to see how nothing makes sense.”

“Well, you’ve got that much right,” Loki muttered, the tone of his voice surly now. “Nothing about this crazy dream makes any sense and I’d like it to stop right now, thank you very much.”

His double laughed. “Well, I suppose belaboring the point wouldn’t accomplish much in the way of… well… anything. It won’t do any harm to let you go. But don’t forget what I said -- you’ll remember and I’ll be free.”

And with that, Loki was awake. He bolted upright in bed, breathing heavily -- and only then did he stop to think about July. He glanced down at her, thankful that she hadn’t woken up even with his movement.

In the space of seconds, the dream slipped away from him and left him with a vaguely unsettled feeling but nothing concrete, nothing he could put his finger on.

Sighing heavily, Loki settled back down in bed, his eyes flicking over towards the clock. Not quite midnight. Good. Maybe he’d get some decent sleep now, instead of sleep fraught with dreams he couldn’t remember.

The unsettled feeling had intensified, which worried Loki. But even as he thought about that fact, he was drifting off. As unconsciousness claimed him once more, he decided he’d worry about it in the morning. After July had left, of course, because she’d have to head home to get ready for work -- and he worked before she did, anyway. There was no need to concern her with the fact that he was feeling what was probably nothing more than rampant paranoia, anyway.

If things kept on feeling like this, then maybe after a few more days he’d mention it. Because while she’d worry for him, she was also a damn good sounding board. Maybe she could help him make sense of things. But not yet. No, not yet.

He wasn’t quite ready to admit he needed help.


	5. Chapter 5

It was an awkward morning for the two of them, made awkward by Loki’s drawing into himself and refusing to acknowledge that he’d had a bad dream -- he couldn’t remember the contents, but yes, he could put _that_ much together. July didn’t like that he was suddenly so withdrawn and quiet, but she figured that was something they could deal with later. At the moment, she just wanted to make things stop being awkward.

Which explained why she was making breakfast. Apparently July’s logic was, “when in doubt, cook.” Not that she could do breakfast very well -- it wasn’t the meal she was good at; that was more a lunch thing -- but she could do it well enough.

Besides, judging by the bemused expression on Loki’s face as he leaned against the wall and watched her, he was relaxing. That was all she wanted, him calm and relaxed so she could make sure he ate -- he’d forget to eat breakfast if you didn’t nag him into it, she knew -- and then say a proper goodbye. In this case, “proper goodbye” meant kissing him senseless for a few minutes, but she had a feeling he wouldn’t mind that.

But in any case, to July’s logic, this kind of awkward morning wasn’t really so bad. Obviously, there was awkward and a few things they needed to talk out about it, but that was in her capacity as his friend. The tension of it all had nothing to do with their newfound relationship. Not that she couldn’t have dealt with it were that the case, but she also felt that it was one less problem to have to deal with.

“Please don’t kill my kitchen,” Loki said dryly. “It’s so small that it wouldn’t put up much of a fight, anyway.”

“Oh, haha.” July rolled her eyes at him and gave him the finger. “I’m not killing anything, thank you very much.”

“And I do thank you -- as does my kitchen,” Loki replied, with a low, sweeping -- and very sarcastic -- bow. “It may be small and unimpressive, but it’s mine and I’m rather fond of it being unbroken.”

“Honestly, you need to stop acting like I’m going to assassinate your kitchen,” July said, giving another roll of her eyes as she turned back to the eggs.

“Assassinate, no. Involuntary kitchen-slaughter, possibly.” Loki’s expression was completely dead-pan as he said it, save for the glint of mirth and mischief in his eyes.

July turned back, fully intending on snarling at Loki until she saw the look in his eyes. That was when she knew, the awkward was gone for the moment.

And that was all that mattered.

 

July had cleared out shortly after breakfast, claiming errands she needed to run before work. In actuality, she didn’t want to invade his privacy for too long at any one time -- things between them were still too new for her to be that presumptuous. But leaving early gave her an opportunity to do something she probably should have done the day before, tempers be damned -- talk to her brother.

She couldn’t run away from him or the fact that he didn’t like Loki. Hell, given Loki’s enthusiasm the previous day, she could barely _walk_ away from the problem. But however she chose to look at it, she knew that she had to actually at least try dealing with things.

And hey, who knew? Maybe she’d be able to have a conversation with Miles that didn’t degenerate into a fight about Loki -- or about anything else. Somehow she doubted it, though. Only way for that to happen would be to completely omit from her story the fact that Loki had screwed her brains out and that she’d quite happily let him. Somehow, she didn’t think Miles would appreciate knowing that.

As she made the walk to her brother’s apartment, it gave her plenty of time to think about what exactly it was that she was going to say to him. Because what she wanted to say -- a glorified version of “go to hell, I’m old enough to sleep with whoever I want to sleep with” -- wouldn’t help matters any and would probably just give Miles a coronary. She wasn’t vicious enough to wish that on him. Yet, anyway. Give it an hour and she just might be.

By the time she reached his building, she was determined to leave out as much of the story as she possibly could, in the name of saving both herself and Loki a world of trouble.

She let herself in as far as Miles’s front door. Once there, she knocked sharply at it. She knew better than to just let herself in whenever she damn well pleased. She’d like to not be scarred for life by catching her brother with one of his boyfriends -- or one of his girlfriends. Or, God forbid, both at once. Her brother enjoyed a surprisingly vibrant sex life, which she knew the details of thanks to Miles and his love of trying to break her brain. Ah, brothers.

Miles answered the door quickly. Unfortunately, his greeting was anything but cheerful and light-hearted.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded, grabbing July by the arm and pulling her into the apartment. “I was trying to get a hold of you all yesterday evening and you didn’t answer.”

“I was… busy,” July said evasively, yanking her arm away from her brother.

“With what?” Miles arched an eyebrow, reaching past her to shut the door. “What’s so important you could ignore your brother for so long?”

“Well, first I was busy having that sex life you’re always telling me I need to go out and have,” July said. “And then I just wasn’t in the mood to talk to you. I figured that if I was in such a grumptastically bitchy mood, a conversation between us probably wasn’t the best thing in the world.”

Miles couldn’t argue with her logic, but that didn’t keep him from trying anyway. “You couldn’t have at least told me to fuck off like you usually do when you’re pissed at me?” He knew his sister and how her mind worked most of the time. “I was actually worried, Jules.”

She sighed. “I’m sorry, Miles,” she said. “I really am. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you or scare you. But I was busy and then I was trying to save our relationship. Because if I’d talked to you yesterday, I would’ve been too angry.”

He shook his head. “I’m going to ignore that twisted mass of what passes for your logic in favor of focusing on the fact that you got laid,” he said, moving to flop down on the couch. “It’s about damn time. You get even bitchier when you’re not having sex regularly -- _is_ this going to be a regular thing?”

“I certainly hope so,” July said, figuring that much was safe enough to own up to. “Because it was one of those times that just… it was more than just sex, Miles. It was a connection. I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call it love -- “ Except yes, she _would_ go that far, he just didn’t need to know it yet. “ -- but being with him was amazing and I felt a connection to him like nothing I’ve ever felt.”

“Do I dare ask who he is?” Miles teased, not immediately suspecting the truth.

When July said nothing and instead just looked away, however, Miles overshot suspecting and landed straight on knowing for good goddamn certain.

“Oh, no,” he said, shaking his head. “Tell me I’ve got this wrong and that you didn’t spend last night with Loki.”

“I can’t tell you that because you _don’t_ have it wrong,” July said, figuring she owed her brother that much honesty. “I went to see him after you and I fought yesterday, and… well… things happened.”

Miles groaned and rubbed his face with one hand. “You do realize it was incredibly stupid to sleep with him, right?”

“No, I don’t,” July said coolly. “Care to enlighten me?”

“He’s not right for you,” Miles said. “He’s… there’s just something not right about him, July. Something really, incredibly not right about him.”

“Why do you even care?” July asked, her voice razor sharp.

“Because you’re my sister,” Miles said. “And as much as we fight on occasion -- well, all right, more than just on occasion-- I’m still going to do my level best to look out for you.”

“Ordinarily I’d appreciate that, Miles,” she said. “Really, I would. Because you’ve scared off some scary ex-boyfriends who deserved to be my exes. But you don’t need to try and scare Loki off.”

“And how do you know that, hm?” Miles looked at his sister. “Jules, you know I love you and you know I trust the way you live your life, but I think that in this case… you’re wrong. I can’t put my finger on what I dislike about the man, but I do know that he just radiates something that makes me instinctively distrust him. And face it, he’s not exactly a popular guy amongst your co-workers. Nobody else likes him, either.”

July didn’t want to admit that her brother might have had a point, at least with that last bit. “So he doesn’t have many friends. So what?”

“It’s not that he doesn’t have a lot of friends, Jules. Because you don’t, either. The difference between the two of you is that you’re really quite personable much of the time, even if you get a bit snippy on occasion.” Miles sighed. “He? Is not so much with the personable.”

“He’s great with customers,” July countered. “And most of our coworkers are idiots and assholes, Miles. Not being liked by them is hardly a condemnation of someone.”

“I think you’re the only one who likes him,” Miles said. “And honestly, I’m in there almost as much as you are and _you’re_ the one who works there. I think I’ve seen enough of his interactions with people to to make a judgement.”

“And I’ve seen enough of your attitude towards him to make a judgement,” July said, rising from her seat. “You don’t care for him, and that’s fine. You don’t have to. But _I_ like him, and I really need you to accept that fact without condemning him -- or condemning me for it.”

“I’m not trying to condemn either of you, Jules,” Miles said tiredly. “I swear I’m not. It’s just that I don’t like him, I don’t trust him, and quite frankly, I don’t think you should, either. He’s up to something, even if we don’t know what.”

“Go to hell,” July said, taking a step back towards the door. “Just… go to hell.”

“It’s not a normal day unless you tell me that at least once,” Miles said. Something didn’t seem right as he looked at his sister, though. Her eyes were curiously bright and shiny for one thing…

… and that was when he realized that his sister was about to cry.

“Jules, I’m sorry,” he began. “I’m not trying to -- “

“Shut up,” July said, tears running slowly down her face. “Just shut up, Miles.”

And all he could do was watch as his sister left.

 

To her credit, July made it home and into her shower before breaking down into tears. Not hysterical sobs, which she was grateful for in some distant part of her mind, but hard tears nonetheless.

Part of her was ashamed, part of her was pissed off -- she never cried, damn it! -- but most of all, part of her loathed her brother, legitimately loathed him at the moment. She understood that he didn’t like Loki, and she was fine with that -- she didn’t expect him to like everybody she liked, after all -- but what she _wasn’t_ fine with was the way he’d undermined her. The way he’d just trampled right over her feelings and her desires and just…

She buried her face in her hands for a second, trying to regain her composure. Was it really so bad that her brother disliked her boyfriend, she asked herself in an attempt to reason things through and calm herself down.

No, of course it wasn’t so bad. Crappy, yes, but in and of itself, not necessarily so bad.

Was it so bad that he’d ignored what she’d been trying to say? Again, pretty crappy, yes, but not necessarily so bad.

What _was_ so bad, in her estimation at any rate, was the way he hadn’t even seemed to _care_ that he was so blithely ignoring -- dismissing -- her feelings on the matter.

Maybe her opinion would change, but at the moment she was of the firm conviction that Miles Jessen could go to hell and stay there. Maybe he’d make some new friends, because at the moment his half-sister was most assuredly not one of them any longer.

She pulled her hands away from her face and allowed herself to rage for a while longer as the water beat down on her back, cursing Miles to every depth of hell she could imagine. Only when she’d exhausted her rage for the moment -- and long after the water had turned cold, she figured, judging by the shiver she did once she was aware -- did she calm down enough to get out of the shower and into her favorite pajamas.

July promptly crawled into bed and burrowed down under the covers, feeling very much sorry for herself. She was grateful she only worked a short shift today -- two to six-thirty, which actually meant she _was_ working with Loki today, her shift running shorter than his noon to eight.

At that moment, she was grateful for the fact that she’d see him later. She needed his calming influence on her. And quite frankly and more than a little embarrassingly, she needed him to screw her ever-loving brains out again. Since jumping him and goading him into it at work would be bad form and would just get them both fired, she’d have to just pray she had the courage to do it after work.

She glanced over at the clock. She’d accosted her brother at eight in the morning, and it was only nine-thirty now, which meant she had time to take a short nap before she had to get up and get ready for work. Not as long as she’d like to sleep at the moment, but long enough that maybe she wouldn’t feel quite so bad for herself.

Sighing, July reached for her phone to set an alarm before settling back down and letting her eyes close. God, she hoped she felt better after a nap. Naps had a way of fixing everything.


	6. Chapter 6

Naps had a way of fixing everything _except_ what she was trying to avoid, apparently, judging by the mood July was still in when she woke up. It was one in the afternoon, which meant she had only enough time to scarf down a quick something in the way of food before showering and scrambling into her work clothes, which she appreciated -- it meant she had no real time to dwell on the fact that at the moment, her life really sucked.

She was in a pensive mood as she made the walk to work at a brisk pace. She was thinking entirely too much, and still about the things she didn’t really need to be thinking about given that she generally tried not to bring her problems to work. But she couldn’t help but dwell, it would seem.

She was subdued as she clocked in and took up her position behind the register, plastering on a smile for he first customer. She’d get through this day if it killed her, damn it.

Loki, however, couldn’t help but worry about July. It was slow enough that from his position at the drive-thru, he could glance over and watch her every now and then. She was entirely too quiet and subdued, something that didn’t suit her at all. He just knew something was wrong, but he couldn’t ask her about it just then. It’d have to wait until later. Except she got off before he did. Whatever, he’d make it work out.

Only when he was off the drive-thru and on the other register did Loki get the chance to say anything at all to July. “Hey,” he said, reaching out to touch her arm. “You okay?” She didn’t seem okay at all, but he had to give her the chance to answer.

“Not really,” she admitted with a shaky smile that was somehow more real than the smiles she’d been managing for customers the past couple hours. “It’s been a bad day.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Got into it with my brother this morning,” July said, looking away from Loki and glancing towards the door. Nobody was coming in, but it gave her something to do that wasn’t looking at Loki and seeing the expression on his face.

“You went and talked to him?” Loki couldn’t help the disapproval in his voice. “I thought you were ignoring him for a while.” It was his opinion that it was a damn good idea to leave Miles alone.

“I thought it’d be a good idea to try and clear the air,” July said with a heavy sigh. “I was apparently _so_ incredibly wrong.”

“Listen, stick around after you get off,” Loki said, reaching out to touch her arm again. “We’ll talk later.”

July would’ve responded but a customer approached the counter at that moment. “Clint, my man,” she greeted with as much of a grin as she could manage. “Haven’t seen you in like a week and a half, what gives?”

“Been busy working,” Clint said with a nonchalant shrug. “Been out of town on a business trip, so it would’ve been kind of hard to stop in.”

“And you’re good but you’re not that good,” July said with a laugh. “Good to see you again, though; the usual?”

“You know it,” Clint replied with a nod.

“Hop to it, Loki,” July said, nudging Loki with an elbow. “You’ve got a drink to make.”

“You do it,” Loki retorted, even as he tried not to laugh. “Your hands aren’t painted on.”

“Busy talking to our friend here, if you don’t mind,” July snapped back, something that would’ve sounded more impressive had she not obviously been trying not to crack up.

“Okay, fine, talk to the pretty guy,” Loki said, heaving an indignant sigh. “I’ll do all the work.”

“You know I only have eyes for you,” July said, patting Loki’s arm affectionately. “Among other things.”

Clint did his best not to react to that. He really didn’t need to be hearing suggestive conversation between his barista and the man who’d nearly destroyed an entire city.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Loki rolled his eyes. “One drink, coming right up,” he said to Clint. “Can I get you anything else while I’m at it?”

“No, just the drink,” Clint replied.

As they waited, since it was slow and nobody else was in line at the moment, July leaned against the counter and made idle conversation with Clint for a bit. He was easy to talk to, even if he didn’t always answer her questions terribly well, but she chalked that up to the rules of his job -- whatever it was that he did. She still had no real idea even after six months. She wasn’t going to press for details, though. That wasn’t her place, for one thing. For another, it was none of her business no matter what.

“And here you go,” Loki said a moment later, setting the drink down in front of Clint.

“Don’t be a stranger,” July told Clint. “We miss your smiling face around here.”

Clint just laughed, picked up his drink, and left.

 

“So, what did you see?”

Clint heard the voice before he actually saw the person it came from; he turned slightly and saw Natasha standing by the doorway. “Nothing much,” he said. “At least, nothing we haven’t already seen. Loki and that one barista are entirely too close, but that’s about it.”

“So I’m not the only one who’s noticed that,” Natasha said, a relieved expression flitting across her face. “Was starting to worry for a second, there.” More like she’d been hoping she was imagining things.

“Well, don’t worry,” Clint assured her, taking a sip of his coffee. “You’re not the only one who’s seen things between them. I’m pretty sure they’re actively intimate, for the record. Which, also for the record, is the last thing we need.”

Natasha couldn’t help but agree. “If he regains his memories, and she’s still at his side… he’ll use her and we all know it,” she said. “And if he has a human minion, who knows what could happen?”

“All we can do at the moment is pray and hope that he never regains his memories,” Clint said with a heavy sigh. “Or his magical skill. He regains those and he’ll be even more dangerous than before. Because not only will he be able to get up to God knows what, he’ll have an ally.”

Natasha let out a sigh of her own. “Curse Odin for this plan,” she said, suddenly feeling tired and older than her admittedly old years. “And curse him for banishing Loki here. Couldn’t he have banished him to someplace… I don’t know… like Siberia? Or Idaho? Or anyplace that isn’t somewhere _we_ have to deal with.”

Even as she said it, she knew that no matter where Loki had been cast down, someone from the team would have been sent to keep an eye on him. Because while SHIELD had no say in how Odin chose to punish the errant god, nobody trusted Loki even with his memories gone.

And how did they know his memories were truly gone, anyway? It was always entirely possible that the memories were just hidden behind walls, tamped down so far as to be solidly hidden but not gone entirely.

Clint just shook his head. “You know how it goes, Tash,” he said. “Someone would be dealing with him no matter where he was. We should just be grateful that he’s here so that we don’t have to travel constantly just to babysit the bastard.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Natasha said.

Sad part was, Clint _knew_ he was right. And he didn’t want to be.

 

Once she was off, July took a seat at a corner table with a drink she didn’t particularly feel like consuming but that Loki had forced into her hands. She hadn’t been in the mood to argue with him, so she’d taken it; now, she sat at the table, staring down into her drink and wondering if she really wanted to tell Loki what was wrong. She knew he’d go ballistic; as much as she wouldn’t mind that, she was completely unsure as to what _else_ he would do.

Eight o’clock rolled around and there was Loki, sliding into the seat across from her. “Talk to me,” he said without preamble, reaching across the table to take her hands in his. “Just how badly did it go?” Because it quite obviously hadn’t gone well at all and he wanted to know so he could either make things better or… well, he’d make things better, whatever it took. Nobody hurt July and got away with it.

“He hates you,” July said, looking away as best she could. “I don’t know why, but he hates you and he doesn’t trust you.”

“I wasn’t expecting that he’d adore me,” Loki said dryly. “Especially since I don’t like him. But what makes you think he hates me?”

“He just… started in on you,” July said, looking back at him. “But I could live with that, with knowing he’ll never want to be your friend. Not everybody in the world’s going to get along, after all.”

“But…” Loki prodded gently.

“But he just completely ran over everything I tried to tell him,” she said. “He completely ignored the fact that I was trying to tell him that you’re really not a bad guy.”

“Of course he did,” Loki said. “If he doesn’t like me, he’s not going to listen to reason.”

“It’s not that,” July said. “Or at least, not just that. He completely ran over what I was trying to tell him. He was downright cruel. More to the point, he made me cry.”

At that, Loki’s blood ran cold and his expression turned sharp. “He what?” His voice was low, cold, dangerous -- more like that of the double he didn’t yet remember than of himself.

“He made me cry,” July repeated. “He’s never made me cry before. At least, not like this. Because yeah, sure, he made me cry when we were younger but he always apologized. It’s how siblings are. This time, he seemed to completely not give a good crap that he’d made his baby sister cry. And I _never_ cry, Loki. You know that.” She’d grown from a girl who cried at everything to a woman who cried at nothing.

“He’ll regret it,” was all Loki said. Because oh, did he have plans for vengeance running through his head. And when he had plans, people should be scared.

 

Miles had spent most of the day going over and over his conversation with his sister. He’d come to the conclusion that he was an ass. Not for his opinion of Loki -- because _that_ would never change, no matter what -- but for the fact that he’d been so blatantly cruel to his sister. After all, it wasn’t _her_ fault she was in love with someone he didn’t trust worth a damn.

And he would never forgive himself for the fact that he had made her cry.

He’d seen her cry and it’d felt like he’d been punched in the gut. And then she had been gone before he could even try to apologize. Not that he blamed her. He wouldn’t have wanted to stick around, either.

A knock at the door pulled him from his thoughts. He hoped it was July, because as much as he wanted to apologize to her, he wasn’t sure if he had the courage to actually go and see her. If that made him a coward, then it made him a coward. So be it.

“July, I -- “ he began, only to have the door shoved open and himself knocked back backwards by a very angry Loki.

“Not your sister,” Loki said, taking a sudden swing at Miles and catching him neatly across the jaw.

Miles just stared, bringing a hand up to his jaw. “Did you seriously just hit me?”

“For making you sister cry, I should do that and so much more,” Loki said coolly, slamming the door shut behind him and stalking towards Miles.

“I’d apologize to her for that if I could,” Miles said, backing away from Loki. “But she’s not here.”

“And you won’t go see her, will you?” Loki took another swing at Miles, this one missing by virtue of the fact that Miles had managed to duck just in time.

“I want to, believe me I do.” Miles was tempted to swing back, but given that coldly angry look on Loki’s face, he was reasonably sure that it’d only backfire on him quite badly.

“Why should I believe you?” Loki asked, reaching out to shove at Miles. “Why should I believe the man that hurt the woman I care deeply for?”

“Ah, but do you love her?” Miles countered. “Caring deeply for her isn’t the same as loving her, and she deserves someone who will love her forever. Who will treasure her. Who will be _good_ for her.”

“Do you want to hear that I love her?” retorted Loki. “The answer is no, I don’t believe you do. Because that would mean that the man you hate is in love with your baby sister, and you can’t have that. So you keep on hating me, because if you hate me then I can’t _possibly_ be what she wants.”

He laughed bitterly. “What is it, Miles? What is it that makes me not good enough for July?” He spat out the phrase “not good enough” as though it were something he’d heard before, something he’d heard and felt all his life.

“There’s something about you I don’t like,” Miles said, taking a step backwards and stumbling over the coffee table. Despite the stumble and despite nearly losing his balance right onto the table, he continued. “I don’t know what exactly it is I don’t like, but there’s just something about you. You may have July fooled into thinking that you’re a great guy, but I don’t buy it for a second.”

Loki’s eyes flashed. “Ever stop to think that regardless of what I am, maybe to her I _am_ a great guy?” he asked. “Ever stop to think that maybe _her_ opinion is what matters more than anything? That maybe, just maybe you don’t get a say in your twenty-nine year-old sister’s love life? That you’ve never really had a say in her love life -- or any part of her life. Because she’s not a little kid anymore, Miles. She’s twenty-nine. You’re thirty-nine. You’re almost exactly ten years older than her. How about growing up and realizing that _she_ grew up a long time ago?”

“July can grow up all she wants,” Miles said. “I’ll never stop looking out for her.”

“She’s stopped needing you to, though.” Loki thought the devotion was commendable, really -- under circumstances that didn’t involve Miles making July cry. “And really, just how were you looking out for her when you made her cry?”

Miles swallowed down a sudden burst of rage. “She told you that, hm?”

“She tells me everything,” Loki said smugly. “So yes, she told me. And you’re lucky I’m not putting you in the hospital. You’d deserve it, but I don’t think she’d appreciate it. So believe me, that’s the _only_ reason I’m not putting your sorry ass in the hospital.” He smirked. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to put you in a world of hurt and make you sorry you ever made her cry.”

Miles had only a second to realize that Loki’s devotion to July was just as all-encompassing as his own but infinitely more psychotic before Loki was on him, taking him down to the ground and punching him in the face over and over again -- never mind the one lucky swing Miles managed to get off, that only took Loki in the cheek -- until all Miles could do was spit blood onto the floor. “You’re insane, Lawson,” was all he could manage as he clung to consciousness -- because he’d be damned if he gave this man the satisfaction of knowing just how badly he was hurt now.

“I may be insane, but _I’m_ the one that July trusts now,” came the biting reply.

Miles was halfway into unconsciousness before he admitted Loki might have a point.


	7. Chapter 7

July had tried convincing Loki that it was all right, that he didn’t need to do whatever he was thinking of doing, but it had been to no avail and now she was waiting alone in his apartment -- because he’d pressed his spare key into her hand and told her to go wait for him. She’d wanted to point out that she could go home just as easily, but the look in his eyes had told her not to argue with him. So she hadn’t. She’d instead said that she was going home to change and then she’d wait for him at his place. A little of the madness had left his eyes at that -- had he really thought that if she went home, she wouldn’t come to see him? -- but not enough for July’s comfort.

Not that she necessarily cared what he did, she reflected as she lay sprawled out on the couch. Not that she wanted him to hurt Miles -- and she had a feeling he was going to go take a swing or two at her brother -- but at the moment, she was still just mad enough at Miles to feel like he deserved it.

She looked up at the sound of the door opening. “Hey, you,” she said, giving him an affectionate smile. “You look… like hell, actually.” Her smile faded. “What happened? And why do you look like you’re going to have a bruise on your face?”

“Probably because I will,” Loki said, shutting the door behind him. “Don’t ask.” Because he really didn’t feel like explaining the fact that as he’d been swinging away at her brother, Miles had managed to get in a shot of his own.

“One question, then,” July said. “Unrelated to the how of it, I promise.”

“Fine,” Loki said after a reluctant moment. “Ask.”

“Are you going to be all right?”

Loki couldn’t help smile at that, at the concern in her voice. “I’ll be fine,” he assured her. “I promise. It was just a little bit of an… altercation. Nothing’s wrong now, I promise.” Well, aside from the fact that in all likelihood, Miles was quite probably still unconscious on his living room floor, but Loki didn’t actually count that as something wrong. More like something finally going in his favor.

“Well, just so long as you’re sure,” July said doubtfully.

“I am,” Loki promised, moving to drop down on the couch next to July and narrowly missing sitting on her feet.

“Hey!” she protested, laughing softly and kicking him in the leg.

“Watch where your feet are going!” Loki protested, smacking July’s leg.

She sat up, lunging for him, managing to jab him hard in the side, though not hard enough to hurt.

His response was to tickle her hard, hard enough to make her laugh again. God, he loved hearing her laugh. Hearing her laugh could make him forget about everything for a while, which at the moment was really what he wanted.

“Okay, no fair,” July gasped. “Stop tickling me, you win!”

“And what do I win, hm?” Loki asked, arching an eyebrow, his hands stilling on July’s sides. “Anything good?”

“Me,” she replied, her voice as serious as she could make it, which wasn’t very at the moment. “However you want me.”

“In that case, I’m quite happy to win.” Loki smiled and leaned in for a kiss, drawing it out as long as he possibly could. There was a tinge of desperation to the act already, which didn’t bode well for July’s ability to walk well the next day if you asked either of them about it. Then again, if you asked either of them about it, neither of them would care.

July wrapped an arm around Loki’s neck, drawing herself into his lap. She was more than content for the moment to just sit there and kiss him until neither of them could breathe. Because she knew it would lead to something, and so did he, and it was just a matter of seeing what that something was and how exactly they’d get there. That was half the fun, though, so she didn’t mind the wait.

Loki nipped playfully at July’s lower lip before worrying it with his teeth. The little gasp July let out told him that he was doing exactly what she wanted. Good, because he only wanted to do what she wanted, whatever she wanted.

Things moved slower for them this time than the last time, but all that meant was that they actually had time to make it into the bedroom before they were going at each other. July certainly wasn’t going to complain about it in the least, considering she was getting exactly what she wanted.

She’d worried that Loki would be more hesitant the next time than he had been the first time, but she was quickly discovering that she’d had no need to worry about it. And Loki, for his part, had worried that July wouldn’t be as into it -- into him -- or responsive, but his worries were proving entirely unfounded.

They kept each other busy -- and distracted -- until well after midnight. If it’d been the previous night, July might’ve made a comment about Loki’s stamina. Not tonight, though. Tonight all she wanted to do was lose herself in him.

And lose herself she did. She focused on Loki, on nothing but him and the way he was making her feel. And it was as though he knew what she wanted, what she needed, what she craved.

She lost herself in Loki and in being with him, until there was nothing but the sensation of what he was doing to her and the overwhelming urge to cry. What kind of woman was she, that she would be so ready to cry over this even in the middle of something so amazing.

And more importantly, she lost herself in the feeling of being loved.

 

As soon as Loki fell asleep, he was dreaming again. And again, he was face-to-face with his double.

“What do you want?” he asked tiredly. “I’d like to get my damn sleep, thank you.”

His double grinned. “I’m starting to break through, I think. Because that beating up of July’s brother? Is something you would never have considered before I started waking up inside you.”

“I wish you’d go back to sleep,” Loki informed his double. “I don’t need you helping me make my life’s decisions.”

“Really?” An eyebrow was arched in his direction. “I seem to have helped you land the girl you’ve wanted for the entire six months you’ve known her. You should be thanking me for that.”

“Thanking you would be acknowledging you exist,” Loki replied. “And I hardly want to do that, thank you.”

“By the same token, I hardly want to acknowledge you exist,” replied the double. “You’re… too soft, too gentle, too well-behaved. And while I am capable of being exceedingly well-behaved, you are not the manner in which I desire to do so.”

“I have a picky douche of a subconscious,” Loki muttered. “Why does this _not_ surprise me?” After the past couple of days, though, nothing much was going to surprise him, though.

His double laughed sharply. “You won’t have me for much longer,” he said. “You’ll remember me one of these days soon and then I’ll be free. I’ll be free and it won’t be the two of us warring for control, it’ll be the two of us into one.” Which was probably for the best -- he was too sharp and Loki was too soft. Together, they would be just about perfect.

“I don’t want to remember you,” Loki said. “Especially since you’re why I beat Miles up earlier.”

“Not my finest bit of work, true,” his double conceded. “But when I’m strained from trying to break through every day for six months, sometimes finesse has to go by the wayside.”

“So that would explain why I’ve spent six months wondering why something feels wrong in my life,” Loki mused, not entirely sure he was pleased with that realization. “In fact, I can pretty much blame you for everything.”

“Blame me if you like,” his double said, sounding not at all impressed. “I don’t much care. All I care about is how soon it will be before I’m no longer trapped in the recesses of our mind.”

Loki just stifled a groan. “You’re annoying as hell, you know that?”

“Not the first time I’ve heard it, won’t be the last,” his double said with a shrug. “Now, get out of here. Surprisingly, I think tonight might actually be the night.”

With that, Loki awoke.

With that, Loki _remembered_.

 

Miles had spent a good two hours unconscious on his floor; once he’d come to and realized everything was alright save for a broken nose -- it wasn’t his first one, though, thanks to a few years of misspent youth in his early twenties -- and since he could both stop the bleeding and tell that the nose wasn’t terribly crooked, he figured going to the doctor could wait. Especially since he had to figure out how he’d _explain_ the fact that his face looked like he’d gotten the shit beaten out of him.

But first and foremost, he had a little sister to inform. So he made his way over to July’s apartment, grateful that it was early enough in the morning -- only about seven or so at this point -- that there was still plenty of shadow on the sidewalks for him to stick to, because really, he didn’t feel like dealing with people seeing his face and doing double-takes. If they even registered it at all; after all, this was New York and was hardly the strangest thing these people would have seen in a day. Hell, it probably wasn’t even the strangest thing they’d seen by that point in the day.

He let himself into July’s apartment and found that she wasn’t there. Which meant that he wasted a perfectly good -- and slightly painful -- bellowing of her name on empty space. Ah, well.

While he waited for July to get home, he went into her kitchen and made himself at home. If her psychotic asshole of a boyfriend came home with her, the shit might just hit the fan. but until then Miles was more than happy to raid his sister’s kitchen and cook himself breakfast. Maybe he was being a bit of a brat by doing so, or maybe he wasn’t. Whatever. He was hungry and she wasn’t home to fix him anything. Therefore, he did it himself. If July had a problem with it, well, she’d learn to get over it.

The door opened less than half an hour later.


	8. Chapter 8

July had woken up before Loki, shaken him awake, and been greeted with an icy cold stare as well as a grumble of, “Was trying to sleep, Jules.” She’d attributed it to soreness from their activities and whatever altercation he’d been in, told him she was heading home, promised she’d call him later, and left.

Now, she was meandering her way home slowly. She could have picked up the pace a little -- she wasn’t nearly sore enough to be unable to walk, even if she was doing it a bit gingerly -- but taking her time meant she had time to think about things.

It was starting to look more and more as though it were coming down to a choice between Miles and Loki. And, for the time being, she was afraid she would have to pick Loki. At least _he_ wasn’t completely discounting her feelings on the matter.

At the same time, she could kind of understand the general why of what made him act like that. He _was_ the older sibling and he _had_ promised to always watch out for her. But did he have to be so damnably insufferable about it? The answer was apparently yes and beyond.

She shook her head and turned down the street towards her building. It was her day off, which meant she could just collapse in bed and veg for a little while, maybe take a more productive nap before resuming the list of things she had to do and that she’d actually had to do the past couple days but had for obvious reasons not gotten around to doing.

A nap sounded appealing, too. One of those naps where if you really slept, yay, and if you just kind of dozed then oh well, the important thing was that you were curled up in a nice comfortable bed.

A few minutes later, she was in her building and letting herself into her apartment. The lights were on and there were sounds from the kitchen, which meant that…

“Damn it, Miles, did you break in again?”

“It doesn’t count as breaking in if you have a key,” Miles yelled back.

“I’m sorely tempted to take away your key, with as often as I find you in here,” July muttered as she headed for the kitchen. “You’re here more than you’re -- _holy fuck_!”

He quirked a mirthless smile. “I look beautiful, don’t I?”

“What the hell happened to you?” July asked, the urge to rush to her brother’s side warring with her hurt over the way he’d treated her the past day or so.

“Your crazy boyfriend happened to me,” Miles said. “He ruined my favorite rug, too. Thank Jesus I didn’t bleed on the hardwood floors or that could’ve been an entirely different sort of messy and I’d probably be threatening to make him pay for cleaning it up.”

“Loki did this to you?” July couldn’t help but stare. “That… that can’t be right. You have to be mistaken.”

“I’m not,” Miles bit off. “He beat me to a pulp, though thankfully the way I look is the worst of it. Have to toss the rug when I get home, have to toss the shirt I was wearing, and have to go to the doctor just to make sure my nose is only mildly broken instead of severely broken, but the way I look really is the worst of it.” He wasn’t sure if that was an attempt at soothing her worries and fears or not. If it was, he didn’t much care how well it went over. He wasn’t feeling terribly charitable towards her at the moment. He knew it wasn’t very nice of him, and he knew it wasn’t right, but he was too damn achy to give a crap.

“But… why?” July asked, dumbfounded. “Why would he do this to you? He’s a pretty peaceful guy. Sure, he’s moody and melancholy sometimes, but he’s not _violent_.”

“Well, he was last night,” Miles said. “And apparently he’s quite violent when it comes to defending your honor.”

“My honor?” July frowned, confused.

“Yeah. He came over, we had a nice little chat about how I treated you, and he laid into me for it. With his fists, though I’m pretty sure there might’ve been an elbow thrown in there at some point for good measure.”

She couldn’t believe it. Or maybe she could. Loki _could_ be fiercely temperamental at times, she’d just never in her wildest dreams imagined it would extend to this sort of violence.

And yet, at the same time… she couldn’t fault him. Oh, she didn’t approve of the fact that he’d beaten her brother senseless, or that he’d done it with such violence, but she wasn’t terribly upset with the fact that he’d hit her brother. It was strange, really. She supposed she should have felt worse about the fact that she was so torn, but… well… she didn’t.

It was what it was, apparently.

“Just be sure you go to the doctor, okay?” July said. “I mean, it doesn’t look as bad as the last time your nose got broken, and that one was a miracle it came out okay, but still.”

Miles just stared at her. “That’s all you have to say?” he asked. “Your boyfriend had me unconscious on my living room floor for like two hours, and _that’s_ all you have to say about it?”

“I don’t know what else _to_ say about it,” July said. “I mean, you deserved to get smacked around a little and even maybe have the shit knocked out of you, but no, I don’t like that he went this far.”

She was sure there was some kind of a reason, though, she just didn’t know what it was. Not that it was likely to be a very good reason, either, but still. Some kind of a reason meant he hadn’t just mindlessly assaulted her brother.

More importantly, what did it say about her that she didn’t necessarily mind if he had?

 

Loki had been a bit disoriented when July had first woken him up, but by the time she’d left he was fully awake.

Fully awake and fully himself again.

And damn, did it feel good to be himself again, to not be _just_ Loki Lawson, simple little barista. Because even he would admit there’d been perks to being that Loki -- and meeting July was chief among them. Really, the only one, if he thought about it for more than half a second. But that was more thought than he cared to give that part of his life.

His _punishment_ , which still galled him utterly. Oh, not the part where he’d been punished. He’d always known -- or at least suspected -- that would happen if he were ever caught and brought down. Not that he thought it terribly fair, but he’d never expected Odin would let him get away with it if the chance to punish him arose. After all, look at everything _else_ Odin had done to him over the millennia. Taking away his memories and his magic wasn’t even the half of it.

At that, just because he could, he let his magic flow through and around him, his clothes melting away and into the green and gold garb he usually wore -- what he’d worn when only the shadows of his memories and magic could speak to him in dreams.

He flexed his hands, privately still a little amused that they only barely hurt after the way he’d laid into Miles earlier. He idly wondered what the bruise on his face looked like -- it had to be starting to ripen by now.

Still curious, he made his way towards the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and stood there for a moment, just studying his reflection. It didn’t look too bad, since Miles had only been able to nail him on the cheek. It was going to turn a few interesting colors in the next few days, possibly, but he could live with that. Badge of honor, in a strange way. After all, Thor and Sif and the Warriors Three had never shied away from fights and bruises, had borne their bruises proudly. The least he could do was wear his proudly in return.

Especially given the _reason_ he’d obtained the bruise. Keeping that in mind, he could most certainly wear his bruise proudly.

He couldn’t help but wonder when he’d hear from July that day.


	9. Chapter 9

Miles just stared at sister. “You’re turning into a cruel little bitch, you know that?” he said after a long, disbelieving moment.

“I am not!”

“You’re pretty much actively condoning the actions of the man who assaulted me,” Miles pointed out. “If that doesn’t make you a cruel little bitch, then I don’t know what does.”

“None of this would have ever happened if you would have just given him a chance!” Her voice rose sharply on the last few words. “You knew he was important to me, as my friend as potentially more. But never mind that, there was something about him that _you_ didn’t like, so therefore he was automatically a bad person. You didn’t even bother to try and get to know him over the past six months, you just kept on condemning him. And quite honestly, I’m sick and tired of it. So yeah, I don’t necessarily mind that he beat the shit out of you. If that makes me a bitch, then so be it. I’m already a bitch to most people, anyway, so why not be one in my big brother’s eyes as well?”

Miles looked at his sister, his love for her warring over the way he was equally hurt by her actions as she was by his. None of this had gone the way it probably should have, and none of it was going to be repaired easily.

Or at all, a sneaking suspicion voiced in the back of his head. But he wasn’t going to give voice to that, mostly because he didn’t want to hear July agree with it.

“How could I give him a chance when he just so completely rubbed me the wrong way?” Miles asked. “I wasn’t doing it to hurt you, Jules. I would never dislike someone simply because you like them. I’ve disliked him from even before the two of you started bonding, and _that_ was nearly right from the beginning.”

“I know how long it’s been,” July said, but she sounded weary more than anything else. “Believe me, I know how long it’s been.”

Miles sighed. “This isn’t going to end peacefully, is it?” he asked quietly.

“No, Miles, I don’t think it is.” And that killed something inside of July, something she probably could have used. She headed for the door. “Just lock up when you’re done.”

Miles just watched her go. When she was gone, he dumped his food in the garbage.

He’d lost his appetite.

 

July was in tears as she walked down the street, but she was long past the point of caring. In the space of so short an amount of time, her relationship with her brother had completely fallen apart. The kicker of it was, neither of them was completely to blame for it. If it were solely his fault, or even solely her fault, that was something she could have lived with because shit went down and sometimes it really was just one person’s fault. But not this time. No, this time she and Miles, through their formidable combined stubbornness and temperamental streaks, had managed to torpedo things together.

That was _not_ the kind of sibling bonding she wanted to do with him.

She wasn’t even aware at first of where she was going; it took her a second to realize that she’d wound up at Loki’s building. A quick examination of her pockets revealed that she still had his spare key. Grateful for that, she let herself into his building and then, a moment later, into his apartment.

And that was when her world tilted sideways.

Loki stood in the middle of the living room, but he didn’t look at all like Loki as she remembered him. As she’d left him just a short while ago.

“You… that’s a good look on you,” she said, unable to stop staring.

“Of course it is,” he said, and even his voice was different. More dangerous, colder, with an edge she couldn’t even begin to understand.

“But… I don’t understand.” She was trying to turn her world upright, but it wasn’t working. Life as she knew it was gone and this new reality wasn’t making any sense whatsoever.

“I’m not the man you knew,” Loki said. “Not the man by half.”

July met Loki’s gaze evenly. “I’m not afraid of you,” she said. “And I won’t be afraid of you.”

“Perhaps not, but you should be,” he said, stepping towards her. “I am Loki, of Asgard yet son of the dead Jotun king Laufey. I am responsible for the destruction in New York. I led the Chitauri army in utter devastation. I am not a man with whom you should trifle.”

“Wasn’t aware that trying to remind you of my feelings counted as trifling,” July said mildly.

“Feelings you should no longer have for me, now that you know the truth.” Loki couldn’t imagine the Midgardian woman who had been his best friend still holding those feelings, yet apparently she did.

“What can I say?” July shrugged. “Love is stupid sometimes.”

Loki nearly smiled at that; he schooled his features into an impassive mask. “And Midgardians are stupider still.”

July just gave him a Look. “Calling me stupid won’t push me away, Loki. I prefer to think of myself as stubborn and tenacious, anyway.”

“You certainly are, at that,” Loki agreed. “And foolish as well.”

She shrugged. “Possibly, but that’s my right as a human. We get to be as foolish as we want to be.”

“Answer me one question,” Loki said after a moment, stepping closer still to stand in front of her. “Why? Why stand by me now that you know the truth? And leave love out of the answer; we’ll count that as a given for the moment.”

“Because I’ve never held high stock in my fellow humans,” July said with a shrug. “They’re violent and angry and stupid and do things that no decent people should do. I’m not entirely convinced that you ruling over us _wouldn’t_ have been better for us.”

He studied her thoughtfully. “Oh, that I had come to rule you all,” he said, reaching out to trail a finger down July’s cheek. “And that I had known you. Had I, I would have made you my queen. You would have ruled at my side.”

“Even though I’m merely human?” She smiled faintly at his touch.

“There is nothing mere about you,” Loki assured her. “You might be a human woman, but you are worthy of being my queen. You are beautiful and spirited and intelligent -- and you dislike humanity as much as I.”

“I never thought hating so much of my fellow humans would garner me the trust of anyone,” July said, quirking a smile.

Loki chuckled. “You are more than any of them,” he said. “I once said I considered you my equal. I was not myself at the time, but I meant it then -- and I mean it still.”

“You have me, Loki,” she said. “You had me then and you have me still. You will _always_ have me.”

“Even though it will change your life?” he countered. Her answer would decide it all.

“Even though,” July answered. “My life could do with a bit of changing.”

Loki gave her a smile that was part contentment and part untold schemes. “Then welcome to my life, July of Midgard. May you not regret your choice.”

She doubted she would.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Bitter Truth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/944490) by [Nicky_Gabriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicky_Gabriel/pseuds/Nicky_Gabriel)




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